March 31, 2011


For all the stories you tell about her, I'll smile and say 'she must be one great girl'. For all the smiles you put in your face every time you mentioned her name, I'll say 'i can see that you really loved her'. For all the memories you keep about her, I'll tell you 'it's okay, i don't mind'. Let me tell you what's not okay, it's the pain you create inside me. Abstract and strong. I remain silent while the heart screams 'fuck you'. So baby, come and listen, this is not the chance everyone would have. This is a gamble on a big green table ! By the night the game finished, you either win or lose. Take the chance before the clock stops, unless you wanna hear me whispering "hey baby, don't waste your whole life trying to get back what was taken away".

no, thanks.

Stop preaching me on how I should stop being a bitch, I already get the theory. I just don't know how to get it practical. Instead of sitting in front your notebook and typing all the non-sense, please just avoid me. I already told you that I'm not there to please you all the time. I sincerely thanks God for knowing you but perhaps the paths we're going to cross are just different and contradicting, at least that is how I think it is and how I want it to be.

March 30, 2011

break your heart.

Ask me again what kind of girl I am, I'll sit back and shut, didn't know what to reply. Take a look or listen to the lyrics below and you'll know exactly what kind of person I am. As simple and as complicated it can be, it explains the complete and real me so much that I can't even believe how could the lyrics reflect me so honest.

"Now listen to me baby
Before I love and leave you
They call me heart breaker
I don't wanna deceive you

If you fall for me
I'm not easy to please
I might tear you apart
Told you from the start, baby from the start

I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart
I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart

There's no point trying to hide it
No point trying to evade it
I know I got a problem
Problem with misbehaving

If you fall for me
I'm not easy to please
I might tear you apart
Told you from the start, baby from the start

And I know karma's gonna get me back for being so cold
Like a big bad wolf, I'm born to be bad and bad to the bone
If you fall for me, I'm only gonna tear you apart
Told you from the start

I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart
I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart
I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart
I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart"

March 28, 2011

because guilt kills.

It is true that I've always been rude and harsh, I ain't care how people judge and comment on me. I do whatever I wanna do, I talk and walk just the way I like. And most of times, I never really care how people feels being around me. But now I know, and i think i could die anytime of guilt. So here it goes, sorry everyone if I've ever offended you in any ways, sometimes I talked shit. When I get annoyed of your attitude and manner, I might as well split out some unpleasant sentences but trust me, I never really meant it.

Long story it is that I've now come to realize how bad I was. I'll keep today as a reminder and I hope when we meet again in future, you'll see the difference me. Be good and have a good life.

March 27, 2011

emotionally confused

Everything is as blur as morning fog. It has almost been 9 consecutive years of being in relationships and I find no thrill in them, I fall in love, I love, I love, then I fall out love. The cycle seems to repeat from time to time and I'm kinda trapped in it. God knows how many guys I've brokenhearted but I just couldn't get committed. The feeling isn't as pure as before and that we all know karma exists, I freaked out. They said try your best to stick to one guy, try to get committed, try to respect people's feeling, try to be serious in a relationship you're having..and so on. I feel like fucking yell at them and say "I tried, I just can't". Call me the bitch, the player, I care no more.

March 23, 2011


I was too young and innocent. You said you love me and you'd want to go further than just friends so I asked my dad if it's okay. He shook his head and so you left. Fifteen years old thought that maybe you'd stay no matter what but you didn't. It was 10 years ago, and when you meet me again, everything changed. Remember when you saw me with the bangs and bicycle? Remember when I told you "I love you too, but maybe this is not the right time"? Don't be stupid. It was fucking 10 years ago and the thing between us doesn't stay the same. Why the hell you think that maybe after all these times, I could still keep the feeling even after you turned your back? Well, now I know first cut is always the deepest.

We meet again after years, you stand in front of me, smile, and tell me how beautiful and grown up I am now. You felt sorry for leaving that time and thought that maybe now is the right time for us. It's 10 pm now and I'm standing in front of you, occupied by massive shaking mixed feelings. I try to stay cool calm and collected but I failed. I looked nervous and pale but I managed to get my mind working right. "Sorry, I was never and will never be yours", I replied.


Let's hope this is a real comeback. Ever since I had my ass landed in China, I haven't had any time to update anything on my blog, my bad. Life's great over here ! Unlike what others told me, China is surprisingly comfortable enough to live in, great foods and amazing cheap stuff all over Beijing. Plus, friends here are totally perk to hang out with. I shall say I'm having the time of my life over here. However, it doesn't change the fact that mom and dad live thousand miles away and I often wake up missing them to tears. Four years it is, living far away from them and it's amazing how I can always feel them around every morning I rise and every night I set. Cliche, I miss them every ticking second.