act like a grown up, think like a grown up

We were all young and free back then, but when you hit 21, you know some thing doesn't stay like the way it was when you were 17. We messed things up, we screwed people, we lied, we caused drama, that was all legal and normal when you were teens. You had all the time being a bitch but when you blew your candles on your 21st birthday, you know things changed. You can't just messed things up and expect your parents to clean the shits you caused, that's being a grown up. Hitting 21 isn't a bad thing at all, people started to listen to your opinion, you even get the right to speak out your thought. Mom and dad didn't yell at me as much as they did back then, good thing. That's the changes we see from people around us, how they treat and see us. And what's the changes come from yourself?

I started to take responsibility for whatever I did, I don't cry or get upset easily like I used to. I accept the fact that sometimes thing just won't go the way we want it to be. Whatever it is, there's always a reason behind everything happened. Just like now, when God destined us to meet, yet He separated us miles away. I wanna complain, I wanna ask Him why, but none of it gonna make it better. The truth is that nothing worth having is ever easy, and all the best things in life are the result of pain. In the end that's what makes the good things so great and that's what make it all worth the struggle. That's being grown up too, when you choose to fight instead of giving up. When you choose to go through the pain just to make it all worthwhile.

I remembered how I pushed everyone away just because it's too complicated to handle, just because I can't give the commitment they wanted, that was being innocent and irresponsible. I had no intention to make anyone stay, I was happy being all alone, I felt great seeing people begging and me acting all ignorant and arrogant, that was being a bitch. Well, you can't continue being a bitch when you grown up, so you change and wish when the time you're sincere and true, there's someone worth it stepped in.

when it comes knocking.

Nobody gets to define what love is. Not you, not me, not anyone. But you'll know it's love when it comes knocking. You don't need an explanation, not a reason, not even a logic thought, you'll let it comes in just like that. You know it is it when you wake up in the morning, checking your phone and wish he's there, first to text you. Then it grows stronger when one day you set his photo as your wallpaper, just that you'll remember how he looks like every time you unlocked your phone. Moreover when he's someone you don't get to see that often, you have to do whatever it takes to keep his face well-remembered. You used to keep your phone in silent mode day and night, yet now you changed it to 'loud' and 'vibrate' so that falling asleep isn't the reason not to reply his text. And there are times when you think saying prayer is just a waste of time, so you'll keep it short and clear.. yet now, you slipped his name inside without bothering if it takes 2 or 3 minutes longer. Those little things you did, it's love.

I did those things mentioned above. Sometimes, it went even more terrible, just like those 15 years old teenagers, I flip my magazine to the last page and see what the astrology says about us, smile when it's good, frown when it's bad and comfort myself that it's not always true. Unfortunately, after all those stupid things you did, someone still doubting how you feel about him.

tumblr speaks out

I can't believe I just gave up. I just let you drop out of my life. I tried to make you stay, then one day it got too hard and I saw what you really wanted was a life without me. So I gave up and now you're really gone. I wish I could make you come back but tears, wishes and reminiscing do nothing but make my heart break a little bit more.

You thought I couldn't do this without you, but guess what, I sleep great at night now. I don't hurt because you're not here. I just had to learn to accept it and move on, and I did. But you, you're the one who keeps crawling back. So next time you think, "oh hey, she's happy, gotta mess that up". It's not gonna happen, because this time, you're not gonna get what you want. This time, I'm gonna get what I want and what I want, is not you.

damn, you moved on fast.

No, I've just learned to let go quicker. I choose not to waste too much time sulking in my own misery. Just because I bounce back quick, doesn't mean anything I ever felt for that person wasn't real as it gets. It just means I'm getting used to being let down. It doesn't hit me as hard anymore. No one ever set a specific amount of time before getting back into the game anyway. Besides, if someone special came by, it's not like I'm going to just push them away.

22nd of every June, I'm celebrating.

I've been living my holiday without internet access and hurray I survived without logging in to facebook. The holiday has finally come to an end, and soon I gotta go back to dad and all his office stuff. Well, it's not a bad thing. I honestly prefer working for dad instead of flying all the way back to Beijing and learn Chinese. Not that I don't like Chinese, but there are some reasons to why Beijing isn't an option any longer. Same thing with master degree. I know exactly I'm gonna regret it for not doing what I want, but what if something better come into your life and it left you no choice but to give up the earlier plan. Obviously, having the chance to complete the further degree is like a dream comes true to me. However, if I have to trade 'you' for that, I might as well forget that.

Idk if you're gonna worth my dream, but I believe meeting you isn't a meaningless coincidence. For what I believe, for what I have faith in, for what I feel, and for whatever it takes, I'm staying. I'll find another way of doing my degree, most probably in some locals university. Don't question me why, don't question me if it's worth it, because idk too. One day, we'll all come to know the worth.

For now, thank you for how you made me feel, thank you for how you keep me so secured and safe, thank you for being real, thank you for not taking me for granted, thank you for the most comfortable hugs and kisses, thank you for making me so great, thank you for every single little thing you did.

kind of a joke

There are times when you don't know what the fuck is going on, when you can't find any explanation to the situation you're going through and mostly all those times, you wish there's someone by your side, helping you to figure out. What it is to you when one day you wake up knowing that there's someone out there who was once no one, yet now become someone who's getting more important each day. Without realising it, that someone occupied most of your brain cells and like it or not, he became the only person who you'll think of before sleep and when you wake up the next morning. You hate it being too occupied by someone, you tried to convince yourself that he might be just another 'stranger' who walked in and walked out eventually, but he isn't. He's too significant to be ignored. He's fast. No one has ever attracted you that way. His existence eliminates every guy on the waiting list, no one is worth to be a rival.

And what it is when you let everyone wait it the line, but you created a 'short-cut' for him. With others, you never say 'yes', but with him, you can't wait to say 'yes'. This is strange and completely unusual. You changed the game, you changed the rule, you changed the prize, you changed almost everything for him. Ridiculously, he's someone you met only once. I feel like shouting out loud, 'You gotta be kidding me, dear God'.

waking up on dance floor

Man, I just flushed the finals down with the shits. Here's the good thing about learning foreign language, (red. Chinese), you don't really have to stay up late and memorize every single little thing in your textbook. I barely spent 30 minutes to prepare for the final, and I nailed it just right. It was 11 am when I stepped out from the exam hall and run back home. Ditched the textbooks, get ready to shop and party. Sadly, I get too tired to hit the club that night so I decided to sleep the night off.

I practically think it was a good thing to hit the bed instead of the club. Plus it was just 3 days ago when we last party on the dance floor. Well, I sort of trying to stop going to club, you know, when your dad and mom weren't so happy about it and leave you with no choice but to listen. I mean, they're cool with the fact I go to club, but once a week? Nah, they'll kill me. Think about it, aren't those 'not-supposed-to-be-done' stuffs often happen when you get too much drink? It never happen to me though, I'm pretty responsible to keep myself sober all the time.

Excuse my personal judgment, but I totally think drunken people are ugly, inside out. And girls? Ohh come on ! You step in the club looking gorgeous with high heels, tight dress, glowing hair and eyes. Then you have to go home clinging to guys with your arms around their shoulders and neck because you're too drunk to walk on your own feet? That's a turn off. And sometimes when they got to lift you up high to avoid the crowds while at the same time, your skirt was pulled up and there goes the free show of your underwear. That's gross sweetie ! Count yourself lucky if you went with your friends, as in real friends. Not those perverted bastards trying to steal your kiss or have a grasp on your boobs and ass. Not to mention that awkward moment when you wake up the next morning and remember nothing. And you get to hear the stories from your friend about how drunk you were last night, and how your lips touched with 'you-don't-know-whose' lips? Now who said all girls are beautiful? I'm gonna stand in the first line to disagree. Count in the manners and attitude.

perfect denial

It was a casual meeting, introduction, and hand-shakes. Who thought someone I knew not long ago could mean a lot to me few months later. With all the flirts, sweet-talks and jokes, I tried not to fall into them. I command my heart to stay still and not to move even the slightest bit. I win. Until I found out that I can't keep on pretending like this. Waking up to your texts and morning greetings are the best things I could think of right now. And when you stop doing so, the day isn't so great anymore, regardless of how many texts and morning greetings I received from the others. Guess it's just about time to stop denying. And please don't tell me it's too late.

Shattered.

Trust me I never plan to go this way, it didn't even cross my mind before. It just happened. Being strong and tough are something I referred as "I used to". Watching you walk away just like that, it breaks me. They say there's always 'the first time' in everything, so here's mine, broken-heart. While I pretend that everything's okay, while I smile at you and say "don't worry", while I act like it's no big deal, I cried inside out. Just when I thought I'm ready enough to move on, I find myself all caught up in you. So tell me how am I supposed to act, darling?